Written by: Sam Orlando
Augusta County Sheriff's Office: "Minority Report" or Just Major Typo?
AUGUSTA COUNTY, VA — We've seen it all folks—UFO sightings, Bermuda Triangle disappearances, even the predictions of that groundhog on Groundhog Day. But what you're about to read might take the cake (or the cash, in this case).
According to a press release dated October 16, 2023, and released at 12:23PM, the Augusta County Sheriff's Office responded to an armed robbery at 8:12 PM later on that same day. That's right, our dear Sheriff's Office may have stumbled upon the secret of time travel. Or maybe someone's just really bad with AMs and PMs.
The "future" crime scene? The 1000 Block of Jefferson Highway. The suspect, clearly unaware that he was part of a potential time paradox, entered a business wielding a handgun, demanding money. Perhaps he was just trying to secure funds for the first-ever 'real-life' Time Travel Convention? He was last seen in a fashion-forward ensemble of black shoes, khaki cargo pants, a heavy jacket, a green bandana, and—wait for it—a black toboggan. Someone might want to let him know that it's not snowing... yet.
Robberies and violent crime are serious issues. Mistakes and all sarcasm aside, the Augusta County Sheriff’s Office is genuinely seeking the community's help in this investigation. They're asking businesses and residents to check any surveillance footage for our time-traveling (or not) suspect. If your home or business is located in any of the areas listed in their release:
1000 Block of Jefferson Highway
Haggerty Lane
Bobby’s Way
Red Sunset Lane
Royal Drive
Myer’s Corner
Gosnell Crossing
If anyone does have information (or a working crystal ball) they're encouraged to contact the Augusta County Sheriff’s Office at (540) 245-5333 or Crime Stoppers at
(800) 322-2017. And maybe, just maybe, we'll find out if this is a simple case of human error or if we're living in the plot of the next big Hollywood sci-fi blockbuster.
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